Destiny’s Reject

Cassie has no interest in being the Chosen One™. She barely has interest in being awake. Between her job as shift manager at a coffee shop that may or not eat its patrons, cursed espresso machines, and a talking cat with attitude issues, her life is already chaotic enough.

Unfortunately, fate has deadlines—and it’s getting pushy.

When a sword arrives singing ABBA and binds itself to her aura, Cassie does what any sensible not-a-hero would do: she tries to return it to sender. Unfortunately, destiny has a no-refunds policy—and all the persistence of an extended warranty telemarketer.

Now she’s magically tethered to Rick, a brooding ex-Chosen One with the emotional availability of a damp scone and a secret past no one asked about. Together, they trigger time loops, meteorological meltdowns, and a prophecy enforcement squad that really needs a hobby. Every refusal only makes the universe more determined to shove them onto the hero’s journey—preferably in matching T-shirts.

Armed with sarcasm, a cursed coffee machine, and absolutely no desire to save anything, Cassie is about to prove that some quests are best left uncompleted. Especially the ones with singing squirrels.

Destiny’s Reject kicks off the Epic Fail:A Hero’s Journey in Five Mistakes series—a gloriously irreverent parody of every hero’s journey that ever took itself too seriously.